Life, mental health, Personal Opinions, Writing

Authentically not Vulnerable in 2020

I was prepared to sit down and let loose a bleeding heart diatribe that has become…to be very honest…familiar. Painfully familiar. Not from me, necessarily. Granted, I’ve had my moments where I’ve been brutally honest about the problems I’ve faced but overall, I don’t spend a whole lot of time being “vulnerable.” 

And then I read a blog post by Ramit Sethi (link at the end of this post if you’d like to read it) and my brain quit derailing from being my authentic self to falsely connect with the world around me and jumped back on the track to my truly authentic self who’s probably not all that exciting to the world but hell, my kids and friends dig it so what I’m doing can’t be all that wrong. 

Truthfully, readers, life has been a struggle. A lot of it I think is of my own making. The things that I stress about are of my own creation. But it’s nothing that a majority of the population doesn’t struggle with, you know? Trying to figure out if you’re living your best life, struggling to see what that “best life” looks like and wondering if you’re just forcing some kind of best life that isn’t even what you’re supposed to be doing. 

A lot of us stagger around this world trying to find our place or living in what we think is our place without really feeling like we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing. And if we are doing what we’re supposed to be doing, why does it have to be so damn hard? Like, I want to help kids that are struggling in life. Those messed up kids with messed up lives and dark pasts that make people gasp and cringe…I can face them without cringing. Working with them every day makes me feel like it’s what I’m supposed to be doing. The not so great part? The fact that what I feel like I’m supposed to be doing is a job that pays so low that it’s not financially feasible to be working and feeling angry that doing what I love isn’t enough to support my family. And then wondering if it’s actually what I’m supposed to be doing. 

The other side of that…the writing thing. I blog, I write fanfiction, I write regular fiction…and it makes me insanely happy…most days. Sometimes the characters don’t agree and I freakin’ hate those guys. But for the most part, I feel like writing is what I’m supposed to be doing. Doesn’t pay the bills, I have very few followers and I keep at it, reminding myself that I’m doing this because being a writers is who I am. There doesn’t seem to be much of a public interest in what I’m doing, even if I’m trying to keep myself relevant. That again leaves me wondering if it’s what I’m supposed to be doing because realistically, there’s a chance I’ll never be that famous writer with best sellers everywhere. 

I know it sounds like vulnerability but truth is…this is just life, guys. This is the daily ins and outs, the self doubts, the struggles. It’s the normal. It’s no different from what a lot of people are going through. And having this be my daily normal doesn’t make me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel freakin’ tired. 

I want 2020 to be different, and that’s on me. I don’t want to be someone who’s constantly “vulnerable” in my blogging just to try to connect to people. I want people to read what’s here and just be like ‘Hell yeah, girl,” without feeling pity or wanting to commiserate with what I call basic day-to-day shit. I want the connections to be authentic, supportive and brutally honest whether it’s about parenting, writing, mental health or anything else I just happen to stumble across and feel a need to blog about. 

Maybe not goats so much. I know my goat peeps are out there somewhere but I once had to give a friend a ride to their car and when they asked me how farm life was and I opened up about raising goats, feeding goats, the kidding process and how messy it gets…I kind of felt like the girl that Seth used to have on SNL’s Weekend Update – the girl you wish you hadn’t started a conversation with at a party. (No lie…just watched the clip for the 30th time…it’s one of my favorites next to David Pumpkins.) 

Image result for seth snl weekend update girl you wish you hadn't meme

But seriously on this vulnerability thing…there’s an orange dude out there right now tweeting around with an $80 million bounty on his head. I’m relatively certain not a single one of us can connect with that! Show of hands for anyone who doesn’t want to be able to relate to that? 

I might not care for the guy one iota but dang…$80 million…that’s crap your pants vulnerable right there. 

I’m not putting down anyone who is owning their vulnerability. For some people out there who are truly struggling with some pretty deep and dark stuff, that vulnerability is necessary for healing. But I’m not going to try to label my daily life struggles as “vulnerability.” It’s just not what they are. 

The one resolution I made for myself in 2020 is to just be better to myself. After reading Ramit’s post and rethinking my strategy on the first post of the New Year, that’s a step in the right direction. It feels like what I’m supposed to be doing, even if it doesn’t earn me a hoard of new followers or comments. 

Happy New Year, readers. I hope you’re ready to make this one count and own who you are with love and grace! Love and peace to you all!! 

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