Well readers…it’s been a tiring couple of weeks.
And I’ve tried, I’ve given it my all all to find the silver linings, to try to move past this deep, bitter feeling of possible misplaced betrayal, to feel inspired and hopeful.
Today was one of those days where I managed, but just barely. At this moment, I’m tethering myself to sanity with a strong drink, my journal and the inspiration I still very strongly fueled with after attending my very first writers conference, put on by Springboard for the Arts in Fergus Falls, Minnesota.
This winter has been difficult and bitter. After the holidays, we hit a downward slope that’s been pretty unforgiving. Out of the six kids our goats gave birth to, the only two still living are the two bottle babies who have been spoiled by their current quarters in our adequately heated kitchen.
Over the past couple weeks, the four that the dams didn’t reject died unexpectedly and quickly – looking fine and perky one day, and gone the next.
This has lead to some very hard discussions on where we can realistically be as far as raising goats go. We’ll be attending an auction in spring and limiting ourselves to a much smaller heard with our one Billy my husband will not part with because he’s abnormally sweet and has a great temperament and our pygmy Ned (whethered) who very much belongs to Samantha and she would be devastated if we ever gave him up. We may keep on a nanny or two but the living situations will be much different and there will not be opportunities for any kind of breeding until we’re in a position where we can do so effectively, safely and are very well prepared for it.
And when there is job stability. Which, unfortunately, there isn’t much of at the moment.
I’m on the job hunt again. This time has been a little more promising than last time. Perhaps three years will make some kind of difference and the employment market may be a bit more forgiving. I have my second interview tomorrow so the “thank you for your application. After reviewing your resume we’ve decided to pursue other candidate” letters and the opportunities to interview after submitting my resume are tied at the moment.
I’m praying for unemployment to be approved so it’s easier to breathe without feeling the heavy weight of stress constantly riding my shoulders. The anxiety this time around, at least, feels much more manageable and less suffocating. When it does get suffocating, the bitterness and resentment is very easy to give into. Pointless…but still easy to succumb.
I’ve wondered very often as of late why those feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety and bitterness are so easy to yield to. Why isn’t it just as easy to lean towards hope and happiness? For any readers thinking I may have found the answer to that question with all my wondering, I regret to inform you that I haven’t.
All I’ve been able to do to push past those easy-to-feel emotions is forcefully remind myself that I’ll get nothing back from those emotions, they’re not something I want to feed into the universe and certainly not something I want given back by the universe if I do.
I’ve started writing affirmations in my bullet journal – one on every day. Little reminders that aren’t too over the top. The first one was, “I have potential to heal completely.”
Given where I’m at currently in life, this one is deep and important.
Just as important as the bond I’ve felt with my husband lately. There’s this sense of togetherness, that even though we’re facing yet another hard time, we’re in it together. There’s no blame placing, there’s no fighting over things we have no control over. Sarcastic humor is comforting, inside jokes are mandatory and continual shows of small affection carry my through my days.
I realize that’s a lot of rambling. But hey, at least I maintained the theme of my blog – writing about anything and everything.
I’m hoping the next few posts will be more uplifting, more inspiring. For now, I’ll leave you with a picture of a girl and her dog. Our Great Pyrenees, Odin, caught his foot on something outside, doing quite a number on himself. Until it’s healed, he’s indoors with us. I think you can tell how this adjustment has been for him. 🙂
Goodnight, sweet readers. May the small things in life to take joy in not elude you.